An Irishman walks into a bar
in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back
of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes
back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender tells him, "You
know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better
if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well,
you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in
Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd
drink this way to remember the days we drank
together. So I drink one for
each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this
is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular
in the bar, and always drinks the same way:
He orders three pints and drinks
from each in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar
for the second round, the bartender says,
"I don't want to intrude
on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your The Irishman
looks puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine", He explains, "It's just
that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit
drinking....Hasn't affected me brothers though!"
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VACATION
Two Irish priests decided to
go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined
to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy and
as soon as the plane landed
they bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, etc...
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them, then moved on.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could HEAR them before you even saw them. Once again, the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string bikini, taking her! sweet time, came walking toward them. Again, she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand
it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady..."
"Yes?" she
replied.
"We ARE priests, and proud of
it, but I have to know .. How in the world did you KNOW we are priests,
dressed as we are?"
"Father,"
she replied, "it's me, Sister Mary Francis
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IRISH LUCK
Two men were sitting next to
each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks
at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you,
that you're from Ireland."
The other guy responds
proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So
am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers,
"I'm from Dublin, I am.,"
The first guy responds,
"Sure and begorrah, and so am I! And what street did you live on
in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A
lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central
part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith,
and it's a small world, so did I!
And to what school would you
have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well
now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited,
and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers,
"Well, now, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims,
"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good
luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated
from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, another guy
walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over
shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the
Murphy twins are drunk again."
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GUINNESS
A Texan walks into a pub
in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American
dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man
even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who
left shows back up and
taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line
up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of
the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons
cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman
the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for
that 10 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I ran down
to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first"
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Paddy O' Leary had spent the
eve drinking at the local tavern. He knew he had a long walk
home, so though he was a wee tipsy, he recalled a shortcut through the
town's cemetery.
Paddy staggered 'round the graves,
but lost his footing and fell into a hole dug for a burial the following
day. He passed out when he hit bottom. Upon awakening the next morn,
Paddy stood up and realized
where he was-- and promptly shouted "Glory Be to GOD! 'Tis the Resurrection
Day-- and I'm the first one out!"
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The Irish dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish
countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked "Father, me dog is dead. Could
ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick Paquette replied,
"I'm afraid not, we cannot have
services for an
animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane,
and there is no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think 5,000 pounds (about $5673) is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus...why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
The Englishman pushed his beer
away from him in disgust. The
Scotsman fished the offending
fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had
happened. The Irishman too,
picked the fly out of his drink,
but then held it out over the beer
and started yelling, "SPIT
IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEF!
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Ohhhh My!
A pair of Irish ditch diggers
were repairing some road damage directly
across the street from a house
of prostitution. They witnessed a Protestant
Minister lurking about, then
duck into the house.
"Would ye look at that, Darby!"
said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those
Protestant Reverends sinning
in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads and
continued working. A short time later they
watched as a Rabbi looked around
cautiously and then darted into the house
when he was satisfied no one
was looking.
"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat
asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy
to those Jewish Rabbis? I just
can't understand what the world is coming to
these days. A man of the cloth
indulging himself in sins of the
flesh. T'is a shame, I tell
ya!"
Not much later a third man, a
Catholic Priest, was seen lurking about the
house, looking around to see
if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked
in.
"Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat,
removing his cap and crossing himself,
"One of the poor girls must
a died...."
Father O'Malley rose from his
bed. It was a fine spring day in his new
Washington DC parish. He walked
to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of the beautiful
day outside. He then noticed there was a
jackass lying dead in the middle
of his front lawn. He promptly called
the US Senate for assistance.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Senator Daschle.
How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te
yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
St.Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead
in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to
send a couple o' yer lads to
take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering
himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now father, it
was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the
line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye, that's certainly true, but we are
also obliged to notify the next
of kin."
Two drunks coming home, stumbled
up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the
graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory
be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles
from Dublin'!"
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And a true story:
The following is the transcription of the actual radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry in October, 1998.
Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Irish: Negative: You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
British: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
Irish: Negative: You will have to divert your course.
British: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER H.M.S. BRITANNIA, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!
IRISH: WE ARE A LIGHTHOUSE ........
YOUR CALL...................................
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A Priest
from New York gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state
trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine
bottle
on the floor
of the car.
He says,
"Sir, have ya been drinkin'?"
"Just
water," says the priest.
The
trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The
priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
"Bless me
Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest
asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father,
it is."
"And, who
was the woman you were with?"
"I can't
be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy,
I'm sure to find out sooner or later,
so
you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot
say."
"Was it Patricia
Kelly?"
"I'll never
tell."
"Was it Liz
Shannon?"
"I'm sorry,
but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy
Morgan?"
"My lips
are sealed."
"Was it Fiona
McDonald, then?"
"Please,
Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest
sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast
lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy and I admire that.
But you've
sinned, and you must atone. You cannot
attend church
mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back
to his pew. His friend, Sean,
slides over and
whispers,"What'd you get?"
"Three month's
vacation and five good leads!"
The next morning, his wife, Jess,
comes into the room carrying a cup of Coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did
you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was
bloody zonked. But how'd you know?"
"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."
CLICK TO SEE IRISH HUSBAND AWARD
