thinks a "family tradition" is a dating club.

has reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade.

belongs to a magickal order whose secret names for their Dark Lords are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks."

owns a ceremonial chalice which says "Budweiser" on it.

considers chewing tobacco a sacred herb.

includes the words "dosey-do" in their hermetic circle dance.

uses a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame" as an altar pentacle.

chooses their initiate group's High Priest at a belching contest and ...

chooses their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt night.

uses anointing oil which smells like "Old Spice."

has ever refilled their ceremonial chalice from a keg.

has a Demi-Goddess picture that says "Miss September" at the bottom or ...

has a Demi-God statue that looks a little too much like Elvis Presley.

has ever performed spell research on the back of a Denny's menu.

routinely cancels ritual meetings to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV.

has children, dogs, boy/girl-friends, and/or familiars with the same "magickal" names ("Skeeter! Git on over here an' cast this circle!").

has "cakes and ale" which look suspiciously like moonpies and a cold "Bud."

uses a magesword which says "Power Rangers" on it.

owns a "Book Of Shadows" or Grimoire with a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it.

uses a divination kit consisting of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number.

believes that a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500.

owns a ceremonial head-dress with a bill, which says "Chevrolet" on it or ...

uses a Sabbat Queen's head-dress made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket.

chooses "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name.

believes that "charging" is done with a Master Card.

has a Balefire that says "Coleman" on it.

underwent an initiatory ordeal consisting of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling.

believes a Magickal festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the Super Brawl.

has several volumes of ceremonial chants by Garth Brooks.

belongs to a initiate group whose guided meditations start out with a burger & buffalo wings at the local "Hooter's."

believes "Gerald Gardner" is a piece of farm equipment. (Gerald Gardner started the Gardnerian Pagan Tradition in the 1940's).

has ever called the "National Enquirer" or "CAS Today" because they raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess.

has ever tried to work love magick on livestock and failed.