New & Expanded
Random Insult Tables

Table Number One
1st die	2nd die	Tell it to 'em straight!
1	1	You got chrome for a brain?
	2	Go back to Atlanta, you wuss.
	3	Looks like they drilled the jack just a little too deep.
	4	I've taken dumps more impressive than you.
	5	Wannabe.
	6	The barrel points THAT way.
- - -
2	1	Corp wannabe.
	2	A chop shop wouldn't take your ugly ass.
	3	Your mom must have really pissed off God.
	4	You couldn't run a microwave.
	5	I see you paid a visit Stu's Discount Rent A Brain.
	6	And I assume your street name is "Duh?".
- - -
3	1	Nice gun....Toys R Us?
	2	Accident at the body shop?
	3	My mom apologizes for beating you up last night.
	4	These Mitsuhama experiments have gotta stop.
	5	Nerves of steel, mind of lead.
	6	Nice face. Remember: 1. Retract spurs. 2: Scratch nose.
- - -
4	1	I checked BKK's Glossary. Guess whose picture was under "idiot?"
	2	A few bullets short of a clip.
	3	I'm getting real tired of kicking your ass.
	4	Maybe this running stuff isn't for you. Ever try knitting?
	5	I heard SPD's hiring.
	6	I thought we pretty much got rid of that lead problem.
- - -
5	1	Penumbra would call a swat team on your ugly ass.
	2	The CEO of Ares just wants you to know that he liked the sex.
	3	Heard you were stupid. I'll never doubt rumor again.
	4	If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I'd get change.
	5	The link goes on your palm.
	6	The zoo's gotta start being more careful with their animals.
- - -
6	1	Keep your face clear of the Vindicator barrels next time.
	2	You're an insult to the profession. Any profession.
	3	Halloween already?
	4	Sheeesh.
	5	I didn't know the circus was in town.
	6	I feel great pity towards your parents.
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Table Number Two
1st die	2nd die	Tell it to 'em straight!
1	1	Let me guess, Zero K memory?
	2	With one more neuron, you'd have a synapse.
	3	You'd need help to drool.
	4	That's your face? I thought you'd learned to balance mirror-shades on your butt!
	5	Bet you don't eat eggs because of those "This is your brain..." ads.
	6	Torque-wrench accident at the Jiffy-Tune?
- - -
2	1	Still beta-testing that neural software?
	2	See, that's what happens when the warranty expires.
	3	Warning: Objects behind mirror-shades are dumber than they appear.
	4	I'll bet you use two hands to eat with chopsticks.
	5	Man, that must have really taxed all three of your neurons.
	6	Do you trip over cordless phones, too?
- - -
3	1	Great response time! Was that 5 baud or 10?
	2	Looks like the chop-shop threw in a free "memory re-format."
	3	Yep, the result of years of careful inbreeding.
	4	You've got the perfect personality to write software help files.
	5	Oh sure, when the going got weird, you turned pro.
	6	You know, the only place you're ever invited is "to step outside."
- - -
4	1	The definitive answer is: His glass is half empty.
	2	Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
	3	I see you're still suffering from Clue Deficit Disorder.
	4	Do you have the same problem with child-proof tops?
	5	Spent a decade on the leading edge of drug experimentation, didn't you?
	6	Nice move...Wired Reflexes level 0?
- - -
5	1	I believe they call those, "software bugs."
	2	Wait, don't tell me, your cyberlimb came with, "some assembly required."
	3	What's the matter, solid concrete from the eyebrows back?
	4	Man you're so far gone, you'd have to take hard drugs just to mimic a personality.
	5	Say, did your parents live over a radium mine?
	6	Yep: single-sided, low density.
- - -
6	1	Should have worn that safety helmet as a kid.
	2	You'll be fine as soon as virtual reality arrives.
	3	Bet you wear that pony tail to cover up your valve-stem.
	4	Seven cans short of a six-pack.
	5	Some settling must have occurred during shipping and handling.
	6	You should've been the poster child for vasectomy.
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Table Number Three
1st die	2nd die	Tell it to 'em straight!
1	1	Not dumb, just intellectually challenged.
	2	You'd make a fine screensaver (good looking, but totally useless).
	3	Been sitting under the ozone hole again?
	4	You're just twisted 90 degrees from the rest of us, aren't you?
	5	Nothing wrong with you that a nice cement enema couldn't fix.
	6	Man, you run squares around the competition.
- - -
2	1	Doesn't have all of the dots on his dice.
	2	Great microprocessor...Intel 286 ?
	3	Sleeping a little too close to your radium-dial watch?
	4	SPD & I thank you for NOT having any offspring.
	5	You're relatively three-dimensional, as fictional characters go.
	6	...cruising right along at 300 baud.
- - -
3	1	What'd you do, slot a blank skillsoft?
	2	You qualify for the mental express lane -- five thoughts or less.
	3	Plenty of myelin -- not enough neurons.
	4	You're as bright as a solar-powered flashlight.
	5	Living proof that God has a sense of humor.
	6	I think the rest of us are really at risk from second-hand stupidity.
- - -
4	1	Man, you're waaay overdue for a good reincarnation.
	2	I'll bet you over-run above 110 baud.
	3	Parallel mind, serial world.
	4	Ugly from the hair down.
	5	You really ought to come with a warning label on your forehead.
	6	Your outlet isn't grounded & it shows.
- - -
5	1	Just stuck in stand-by mode, aren't you?
	2	Lemme guess, "Post-Traumatic Drek Disorder?"
	3	You're about one volt below threshold.
	4	Living proof of de-evolution.
	5	You're almost as powerful as a solar-cell in a darkroom.
	6	You always were one revision behind.
- - -
6	1	You're sharp as a skeinsuit.
	2	What would you call that, informationally deprived?
	3	Man, in your optimum environment, you'd be locked in a life & death struggle with mushrooms.
	4	One of the early failures of electroshock therapy.
	5	Neat, where'd you get the wind-up cyberlimbs?
	6	Well you're sure immune to any serious head injuries.
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Table Number Four
1st die	2nd die	Tell it to 'em straight!
1	1	In a tub of Preparation H, you'd shrink down to thumb size.
	2	Proof of Einstein's theory that 'there's no limit to human stupidity.'
	3	You're about one tile short of a successful re-entry.
	4	Doesn't look like your head's fully inflated to 90 PSI.
	5	Well, don't let ME bother you, Mr. I'm-in-the-middle-of-a-software-reformat.
	6	A mere brainwave away from doing us all a favor.
- - -
2	1	Ah, the perils of too many cold solder joints.
	2	Operating system coded in WOM? (Write-Only Memory)
	3	If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're practically in-fraggin'-vulnerable!
	4	Not much to show for four billion years of evoultion, are you?
	5	If you were any dumber you'd be a green plant.
	6	One node short of a network.
- - -
3	1	Nothing that a little remedial evolution won't cure.
	2	Looks like your bioware's rejecting your body.
	3	Just not the same since they took you off the medication.
	4	Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to take effect, huh?
	5	How do you get your neurons to fire non-sequencially like that?
	6	Bet you'd need an operating manual for a screwdriver, too.
- - -
4	1	You're about nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
	2	Your monorail doesn't quite make it to the Space Needle.
	3	I see you missed your last four scheduled tune-ups.
	4	Luckily your type normally kills itself before reproducing. That's evolution in action.
	5	Bet you search for the "Any" key, too.
	6	A mind like a steel sieve.
- - -
5	1	I can tell that you levelled off before reaching cruise altitude.
	2	I think you'll find this NatVat stuff tastes better if you add the water first.
	3	Bet you can back up your memory to a single floppy.
	4	Jeeze, if the Style Police ever caught you, you'd be found guilty without hope of parole.
	5	I got shirts with higher IQ's than you.
	6	Lemme guess, your totem's a three-toed sloth?
- - -
6	1	Keywords: generalizations, clue, get
	2	I find it really hard to believe you beat 100,000 other sperm.
	3	Hard Corps washout.
	4	If Governor Schultz ever passes that brain tax, you'll get a full rebate.
	5	Way to go, ace!
	6	If ignorance were bliss, you'd be orgasmic.
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Table Number Five
1st die	2nd die	Tell it to 'em straight!
1	1	Your mind wouldn't be stable if you stuck it on a Gyro-Mount.
	2	If your INT was two points higher, you'd be a rock.
	3	Just what the frag IS your purpose in life -- to balance out the bell curve?!
	4	Bet they can graph your brain's activity with a single dot.
	5	Sounds like your finals are burned out.
	6	You're about one brain-cell away from being a talking monkey.
- - -
2	1	Does your head need another periodic whack?
	2	Balsawood cyberlimbs? -- an idea truly ahead of its time.
	3	Your ancestors came to this country looking for bananas, didn't they?
	4	Oh, the wonders of a two-bit microprocessor.
	5	You're so dense, even light bends around you.
	6	Truly a man of few words. Betcha don't know what either one of them means.
- - -
3	1	Do you get confused by a two-button mouse, too?
	2	Oooh! You've got the mental agility of a soap dish.
	3	What, is your new memory FINO? (first in, never out)
	4	Yea, I know, I know -- random memory fault.
	5	You're not a complete idiot -- you've got a few parts missing.
	6	Say, were you ever fired from Nukit Burgers?
- - -
4	1	Gee, you're about as focused as a 12-guage.
	2	You know, guillotining you would only make an aesthetic difference.
	3	Just one more reason why monowire belts never caught on.
	4	Must be suffering from delusions of adequacy, again.
	5	What's the matter, your folks get stuck at the shallow end of the gene pool?
	6	Personally, I'd have put it on safe, THEN cleared the stoppage.
- - -
5	1	Still more evidence of that missing link theory.
	2	Figures, only you'd be stupid enough to bring a knife to a gun-fight.
	3	Back on the streets again? And I'd heard they'd eased up on the Star's entry exams.
	4	Funny, I don't remember seeing, "trouble with doors" on your résumé.
	5	How come I get the feeling your entire memory page was 'intentionally left blank.'
	6	You've got the IQ of a salad bar.
- - -
6	1	Those aren't spots in front of your eyes, you idiot -- it's a CROSSHAIR !
	2	How could you miss a stationary target at point-blank?
	3	Awww, you haven't even got two neurons to rub together.
	4	Well, no need to worry about excess knowledge build-up.
	5	During evolution, were your ancestors in the control group?
	6	Cheer up, I hear there's a future for you at McHughs.
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Table Number Six
1st die	2nd die	Tell it to 'em straight!
1	1	Cranio-rectally inverted.
	2	Bet you can't remember whether it's scratch your watch or wind your hoop?
	3	You do the work of three men -- Larry, Moe & Curly.
	4	Given the choice of going with you or to the dentist's, he wins 'hands down.'
	5	Do you always keep your CPU in power-saver mode?
	6	You couldn't tell which way the turbo-lift was going with two guesses.
- - -
2	1	Neil the Ork Barbarian's got nothin' on you, boy.
	2	Couldn't find your own hoop in a locked closet with a Nav-Dat GPS receiver.
	3	Boy, were you ever born ugly & built to last!
	4	I think you've taken a few too many shots to the head.
	5	Wizzer cyberlimb, chummer...batteries not included?
	6	Were you napping in front of the ion shield, again?
- - -
3	1	Aren't you really just an experiment in artificial stupidity?
	2	At your family's reunions, bet you're about as popular as a French kiss.
	3	Say, is Barney still your hero?
	4	You could be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
	5	Have you been playing in the pharmacy section again?
	6	Another bio-engineering prototype that shouldn't have been shipped.
- - -
4	1	Hey, another prime candidate for natural de-selection.
	2	You've got an intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
	3	A perfect example of how dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut-sized brains.
	4	If I didn't know better, I say aliens zapped you with a stupidity ray -- twice!
	5	Afraid you'll void your headware mem's warranty if you think too much?
	6	A walking arugment for birth control.
- - -
5	1	Does your retinal display blink: 12:00 ... 12:00 ... 12:00 ?
	2	All the personality of a bowl of oatmeal.
	3	Your mind's like wet tennis shoes -- makes squishy noises when running.
	4	Time to beat feet! This time spit out your gum first.
	5	Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
	6	Just another sad victim of retroactive birth-control.
- - -
6	1	Do you have to buy two tickets at the zoo (--one to get in & one to get out) ?
	2	Betcha wear that hat to hide your circumcision scar.
	3	Did your parents stand you on your soft spot as a baby?
	4	I wish I had a lower INT so I could enjoy your company.
	5	You know, you'd make an excellent illustration in a proctology textbook.
	6	Full throttle, dry tanks.
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