It's been nearly a year since I left my job as a TV News Anchor to "retire" as it was so ambiguously put at the age of...well, certainly too young to retire in the traditional sense.
My leaving Channel 47 after nearly fourteen years was certainly a very "public" event which forced me to become public as well in my reasons why I was leaving.
I never dreamed that one day I would be saying, "I need to leave
my job to devote more time to my family." My ability to be able to
make that statement came after much soul searching that troubled me
for several years prior to making the momentous decision.
One of the reasons for that conflict is that I grew up during "The Women's Movement." If I didn't have a career outside of the home, who was I to become ?
I share these reflections now because I believe there are many women of my generation who may be struggling with the same conflict.
I am a feminist born of those turbulent years when it was betrayal to settle for the station wagon, two-point-five kids and a shaggy dog in the back seat. I always wanted to be more. (This lead to many heated arguments with my mother). I wanted to be someone who I thought had value in our society. Someone important. An actress. A journalist. Someone more than "just" a wife and mother.
I worked hard for many years to break into a field that even at the local level is highly competitive and female unfriendly, (not to slight our local news organizations, it's merely the nature of broadcast news today. It was even more true fourteen years ago.)
I experienced full fledged fear when I became pregnant with my first child, and worried that it would mean the end of my career. I feared I would lose the person I had so carefully created that gave me value and recognition.
Of course I fell immediately in love with motherhood once my baby was born, and realizing there was no turning back, became one of those "Super Women" of the last quarter of the 20th century. I could do it all! Mother, career, artist...no problem. But, the cost became too dear.
It took me ten more years to realize my life was out of control. So much for being the feminist. I was fantasizing of spending my days stretched out on the couch, watching the tube, eating bon-bons and letting my husband take care of me. I felt I had lost the battle to blend ambition and quality of life. My quest for selfhood had turned into a desperate dance to "BE" it all to all the people in my life. No one was getting what they needed, least of all me.
And, although it pained me to give up a job I loved, I decided to get out of the TV business and strike out on a different path. It was truly a struggle for me to let go of my hard earned profession where I felt like a contributor, and to re-enter the less certain domain of life at home with my family. Would I be able to find value in creating an environment that centered on nurturing the ones I loved, including myself? What I have found after nearly a year on the homefront is that the terrain is equally as interesting and full of possibilities. I have also started to regain a modicum of control over my life.
I no longer "bristle" when well-intentioned folks ask me how retirement is going. I know now it doesn't mean I have disappeared, quite the opposite. I have been able to expand and grow in a way never before possible.
I have the time and energy to explore many avenues long neglected. I am discovering who I am as an artist, a mother, a woman, and simply as a human being in this journey of life.
One of these avenues of discovery, has been to explore the many possibilities of the World Wide Web. It's a place, I am beginning to see, where I can continue my work as a journalist and as an artist, while remaining "on the homefront".
I certainly have the desire to express myself as evident from my many years in the communication business and on stage. And so, I now find myself beginning to weave my own pattern on the Web, excited about the possibilities and being a part of the new communication frontier.
One of the most exciting aspects is that I can do it from home and in time which is not disruptive or damaging to my family or to myself.
It is one of the reasons, that after a year, I can begin to reconcile my feminist values. And, although I may sometimes feel I am "eating crow", I have to admit that this woman's place, for right now, is in the home. And for those sisters out there who may be struggling with the same issues, I wanted to tell you not to be afraid. It turns out that crow, when properly prepared, and consumed for good reason, can be a tasty meal indeed.