News Warp
by Kelley Rouse
The human race kicks it into high gear the last week of the old year.
Rock'n'roll on the Atoll
Understatement of the week comes from New Zealand Prime Minister Jim Bolger in response to France's fifth nuclear test in Polynesia this year.
"It's reputation in the Pacific is at an all-time low. When the
tests are over, France will have to rebuild its credentials in the
region."
It's a sizable public relations job. According to Australian
seismologists, the blast, equal to 30,000 tons of TNT, had the
force of a 5.3 magnitude earthquake.All the World's a Stage
The great scam of the week goes to Birdie Jo Hoaks. Hoaks touched hearts nationwide by claiming to be a twelve year boy who had been abandoned at a bus stop days before Christmas. Police soon discovered, however, that "the boy" was really a 25 year old woman, with a talent for creating illusion. Hoaks has pulled similar scams in at least 11 other states, trying to get sympathy, places to stay and free services.
Running a close second is the story of the man who rushed into a
Missouri emergency room this week and told doctors that the tightly
wrapped bundle in his arms was a seriously ill baby. When doctors
pulled back the blankets they found the baby had a furry face and
was really a two month old chimpanzee.
Although not "hospital policy" to treat animals, doctors did work
with the critically ill chimp. "Buck" is now recovering at a
veterinarian hospital in St. Louis.Soft Landing
The luckiest man alive this week goes to 56 year old Bruce Charles who plunged 3,000 feet into a snowy field and survived. Charles' backup parachute partially opened just before he hit the ground. Fellow skydivers said, that, and a foot-deep cushion of snow saved the Allentown, Pa. man's life.
Undaunted, Charles is reported to say from his hospital bed that he
will jump again!With Fava Beans
The "grosses" story of the week without a doubt goes to 37 year old Joseph Garner of Indianapolis. Police say Garner stabbed his father to death with a Swiss Army knife, dismembered the body and ate part of the brain trying to free what he believed were evil spirits. As you might assume, Garner is undergoing psychiatric evaluation.
Save a Slice for Me
On a lighter note let's talk about the bomb squad that attacked the cheesecake in Annandale, Virginia. When a well-wrapped box covered in birthday paper was left on a woman's front steps the Fairfax County bomb squad was baffled. There was no card attached and a series of X-rays failed to reveal the box's contents. So the squad brought out a tank with a water cannon and blasted the box with high-pressure water.
Imagine the woman's embarrassment when what was left was a soggy
blueberry cheesecake.Bomb's Away
Like Princess Di has vowed, a pair of rare peregrine falcons are not going to go without a fight. Boston City officials are cautiously approaching the birds about a prime piece of real estate. The falcons are nesting in the latticework in the clock tower of the city's 495-foot landmark Custom Tower which is slated for a multimillion-dollar renovation.
The falcons' terms are clear. "They're aggressive and they're scary
and they'll come in at 60 mph" says an assistant director of the
state's Department of Fisheries and Wildlife. "The kind of damage
they do is like being scratched by a cat, but it will scare the
hell out of you."
All efforts are being made to assure a successful nesting of the
peregrine falcons, which are one of about 140 pairs east of the
Mississippi.New Year's News
And finally, some facts about the changing of the year. Mother Earth is supporting 100 million more people this year, pushing the world's population to 5.75 billion. A population research group (isn't there a group for EVERYTHING?) says 1995 marked the largest increase ever in human growth.
The cost of putting on the ritz for New Year's in the Big Apple
went up this year. A Rolls Royce with driver for the night is
$1,200, up $200 from last year. Tickets to the New York City
Ballet's "Nutcracker" are up $6 more at $140 and the presidential
suite at the Plaza Hotel will now cost you $15,000 for the night.
That's a modest increase of $1000.
And if the pressure of coming up with those New Year's resolutions
is getting you down, don't worry. A poll out this week says most
Americans just don't bother. 56 percent of adults surveyed by the
Marist College's Institute for Public Opinion said they weren't
likely to make a resolution for the new year. It also appears that
while younger people are more likely to make resolutions for the
new year than older Americans older Americans are more likely to
keep the resolutions they make.