by Janice Murphy
Reading Kelley Rouse's piece about her decision to leave her fast track job struck a responsive chord in me. (Notes From The Homefront) We are both women who found meaning in feminism and women who left good jobs for our children's lives.
The year my first child was born I was
vice-president of a non-profit organization in Washington, D.C. The job
had everything: overseas travel, variety, challenge and pleasant co-workers.
It was the best position of my career and provided the most impressive
pay checks I had ever received.It was not until my last few days of my
first pregnancy, while home waiting to go into labor, that I divined that
returning to work after maternity leave might be just a bit difficult.As it turned out, motherhood was nothing
less than a transformation into another state of being for me. Overnight
it became clear that my daily three hour commute to and from work was
no longer acceptable.In time, we decided to move back to
Salisbury, where my husband had been gainfully employed all along. After
the move, we proceeded to have two more children. It has been the best
decision, but it hasn't ever been easy. Like many other mothers before me, I
discovered that motherhood necessitates invention. It required me to
read, just to find new skills and new methods of coping. Kelly Rouse has
probably had her share of adjustment to make. But I don't believe that,
in addition to adapting to a new schedule, decreased income, and new
priorities, she has to eat crow, too.I, too, am a product of the significant
social changes that feminism has won in my lifetime. Years ago I ran a
feminist hotline and worked in a feminist community. My youthful
commitment to feminism motivated me to do work that would have intimidated
me otherwise. The brand of feminism I grew up with has it origins in very
American notions of justice and equal opportunity. Feminism for me has
always been about expanding options for women. Choosing to be home with
kids never has struck me as innately unfeminist; it's just one of the
choices available.Juggling motherhood and work isn't easy,
but don't blame feminism for that. Feminism never told me I could have
it all--(Oprah Winfrey did, but I didn't buy it.) You can't rack the
cradle and cut the big deal all at the same time. It's just not possible
to be in two places at once.Feminism has taught me about the rough
road women face in creating more opportunities. But feminism did not
create the "me first" orientation of our society. That's inherent in
our tradition of rugged individualism and capitalism.Combining the possibility of greater
fulfillment through work with parenting children--well, men and women
working together are going to have to figure that one out. When we both
prioritize the well being of the family, each member--mother, children,
and father, will flourish.Having children turned all my priorities
around. But taking on the role of mother did not require that I give up
all sense of myself. My work nurtures a part of me that did not die or
get replaced when my first baby cried out. That's the part of me that
needs to be self-sufficient, self-supporting and contributing.I work from home now, which gives me
regular hours away from my children and I know that I am a better mother
for it. In fact, I could not be a good mother without it.Working part time around my children's
schedule means I can't afford everything I want. But I am foreswearing
past luxuries for one major luxury--having the kids pick up my bad habits
and not someone else's. And it is a luxury--not all mothers can swing
this kind of thing even for a little while. Most working mothers desperately
need that pay check and must labor at unrewarding and tedious jobs
while their children's joys and sorrows are played out in someone else's
domain.It is clear to me that when
I left
Washington, I gave up some perks I liked. I can't be
the hip Washington
insider nowadays. But I have quiet talks
on the porch swing, "nature walks"
through the neighborhood
and moments when a small child's look or phrase
can mesmerize.
I love my work. But it has never made me catch my
breath in
wonder.I know when the
kids graduate from high
school, I'll be less likely to wonder
where the years went. Despite the
hectic pace of our days,
I still sometimes feel a twinge of regret when
they leave me
at bed time. But it's nothing like the pain I felt
working
those long hours when my first born was a baby.
It's a bargain this
feminist can live with.