And while we have always viewed sport as the modern replacement for state religion, a way to keep the minds of young people distracted from the emptiness of their lives, but the Olympic Games are different.

Indeed, if the spirit of the original games had spread throughout the world along with the competitions, war might now be just a part of ancient history, and differences between heads of state might have been resolved in 'the games' instead of on battlefields.

But the spirit did survive, to some degree, and the sense of global community is evident in the events which get underway this week in Atlanta.

It's the competitive spirit, and the things people will do to prove they are faster, stronger and quicker than someone else are truly astonishing.

One of the most amusing is found in the winter games, where one competition combines cross-country skiing and rifle marksmanship. Surely, the ability to do that is important to someone, if only because it is so hard to do. It's hard to balance on your head, too, especially on top of a soda bottle. Does this mean that someone who can do it is better than the rest of us ? Well, of course it does. Don't be silly.

Another marvellous winter event is the "luge", which was clearly invented when some poor soul fell down a bobsled run and slid down, on his back, to the bottom. As he passed the half-mile mark, we have no doubt that two jaded bobsled junkies bet one another they could beat his time.

It's unfortunate that the Olympics are limited to physical prowess, for life provides many circumstances which, if properly developed, could yield equally interesting and intense competitions.

Consequently, we offer this incomplete list of activities which we would like to see at the Olympics, and include a few in which we're confident we could take, if not the gold, at least the silver:

• From Sound Asleep To At Work: Competitors are awakened from a sound sleep by a loud noise to realize they have overslept on the most important day of their career. They have to shower, dress, eat and travel to their place of employment in the least possible time.

  Extra points are given for appearance, especially with respect to footwear, and for plausible excuses for tardy arrival. (See also Olympic Lying.)

  

• Olympic Lying: Few human activities require as much creativity and quick thinking as lying, yet the most succesful lies suffer the same fate as the most succesful spies: they go unnoticed, and their brilliance unsung.

  We would suggest three categories for the Lying Games:

  • Domestic: Spouse vs. Spouse; Family and Friends
  • Corporate: Business Lying (Employer/Employee)
  • Commerical: Lying to customers

  It would, of course, be necessary to either ban all political figures from these games, or to create a separate category for political lies, but since we already have government, that is probably unnecessary.

• Olympic Sex: Our all-time favorite, this category would recognize those unsung heroes and heroines of love, those folks whose physical ability, stamina and accomplishment are known only to a small circle of friends, (and perhaps neighbors.)

• The Yard Games: It takes hurculean effort to maintain a vast green carpet upon which no feet ever walk, yet countless folks do just that. No one really knows why people do that, which is enough to make it a sporting event.

There should, perhaps, be an event suited for the likes of us, one that might be called The Much Ado About Nothing comptetitions. It would be grand to bring home the gold, and we know we could give them a run for their money.